Oh man, April was an expensive month. I thought it was bc I was eating out by myself a lot and feeling guilty over that, but actually that didn’t amount to very much, although it was more than usual. The unusually high expenses are bc I traveled twice, bought an expensive gift for someone, bought new coats, paid a bunch of medical bills, and paid for an unusual amount of dance classes. Still, it feels like a lot.
i wanna be hadley wickham so bad. I’d never seen someone like him before… dresses like a gay graphic designer and kind of is one in that he authored a plotting library, writes and rewrites his code until it’s a clear expression of his thoughts, this like combination of being a statistician and being primarily motivated by aesthetics, but a perfect union of those, not sacrificing one for the other but pursuing the aesthetic appropriate to statistical analysis… that Hadley is a statistics PhD makes me feel good about having a statistics PhD. I mean, my PhD is when I learned to use his packages. I want to look like him, I want a life like his, I want to be able to do what he can
One of the problematic parts of playing Hades is that I think it’s hurting my eyes/head lmaooo. I spend probably over 9 hours staring at a screen every day anyway, and for some reason the focus it takes me to play Hades for, say, 75 minutes straight after that really doesn’t feel that good. My forehead hurts. Also it’s probably bad that during the workweek I play Hades at the very end of the day, right before sleeping.
One thing that MASSIVELY pisses me off is how fainting is shown in media. It’s always the person sways a little, collapses in one movement, and then is unconscious for like… fucking ages??? They wake up hours later tucked under a blanket and it’s acted like that’s normal. It’s NOT. A person that’s fainted should be back with you pretty quickly, actually:
(From NHS website)
I had an experience in my last work place where I fainted, but because it looks so different to how it’s shown in film and TV my managers had no idea what had happened. Here’s a comparison of usual media vs my actual fainting that they were all confused by-
Films, TV shows, plays etc:
1) Person goes “oh goodness” or something similar whilst holding hand to chest
2) eyes roll back, gracefully falls to the floor
3) nearby people see the poor fainted person, pick them up, put them on a bed or sofa
4) person comes to hours or even days later with no idea what happened and everyone else is just like “oh good you’ve woken up 🙂”
My usual fainting experience:
1) Everything starts spinning. Incapable of making words as my sole focus is on trying to get myself to the ground ASAP
2) Stumble to floor/chair/ anything I can lean against
3) Quick violent slump as actual faint occurs. There is no dainty falling- the whole body has hit shut down. Usually smack my head on the floor if I haven’t managed to get myself somewhere soft
4) Aware of surroundings almost immediately, but takes a few seconds to fully come back round
5) Carefully sit back up and explain to everyone going “what the fuck happened” that I fainted, and no, I do not need smelling salts actually.
This is like the heart attack discourse… much needed.
100% how fainting looks and feels, from both sides.
I thought I looked cute today and I was feeling really happy. I wore a new outfit. I took a photo with my friend and I thought it would turn out well. But then I saw the photo and realized that I looked really bad, way worse than I thought I looked, and my mood hasn’t recovered since then…
Oh, I’m feeling bad because I just remembered that I pushed/shoved Ian yesterday when he said something rude to me. I meant to touch him lightly but I actually forcefully pushed him away from me. That’s very bad. Why am I getting violent?
I’ve done this to him before too – he says something I don’t like and I’ll play-shove him a little but this time I was surprised by how much force I put into it. I pushed him straight in the chest till he stumbled backwards. I didn’t want to hurt him really, I just wanted him to get away from me and I wanted him to know I was upset. That’s really bad. I need to not react so quickly when I’m angry – I need to swallow it for a couple minutes and relax. That’s what I tried to do yesterday. He made a comment about how I didn’t look good and I was unhappy but didn’t react, but then he said it again and I pushed him. Really bad. And he actually said it again later, but for some reason I took it calmly then.
Responded exactly like I thought he would 😂
Oh, I’m feeling bad because I just remembered that I pushed/shoved Ian yesterday when he said something rude to me. I meant to touch him lightly but I actually forcefully pushed him away from me. That’s very bad. Why am I getting violent?
I’ve done this to him before too – he says something I don’t like and I’ll play-shove him a little but this time I was surprised by how much force I put into it. I pushed him straight in the chest till he stumbled backwards. I didn’t want to hurt him really, I just wanted him to get away from me and I wanted him to know I was upset. That’s really bad. I need to not react so quickly when I’m angry – I need to swallow it for a couple minutes and relax. That’s what I tried to do yesterday. He made a comment about how I didn’t look good and I was unhappy but didn’t react, but then he said it again and I pushed him. Really bad. And he actually said it again later, but for some reason I took it calmly then.
Actually, the doctor did diagnose me with GERD but he just asked “Do you get acid reflux?” and I said yeah and bam, I have GERD on my chart now.
Recently, I was reminded of how my high school friends and upperclassmen and I watched “The Hunting Grounds” together, which is a documentary about sexual assault on college campuses. At some point in the movie they state that 1 in 5 women (and actually, people say that it’s 1 in 4) are sexually assaulted in college. And we looked each other and realized “My god, that’s going to be us. At least one of us…” I was very sad remembering this story because our prediction was right.
One thing that always shocks me and makes me realize that I live in a bubble is when I remember that less than 25% of American adults have a bachelor’s degree. What? Literally every single one of my friends went to college. That statement alone tells you how ridiculously skewed my understanding of the world is.
I of course support the growing idea to build out a massive artificial island expansion of Manhattan, I truly do:
Its based, we should do it all over the place, and its also really trodden ground, cities have been expanding like this for centuries, hell Boston did it. But before you allocate that first billion to land reclamation, maybe check around see how many places like these you can find in Manhattan first:
I can find dozens of places like this in the Lower East Side, or Houston, or whatever. 3 story buildings are in fact common in NYC, most don’t top 6. Its just not that dense a city in the end.
It would be the Most American Thing Ever for us to build entire fake islands because we are NIMBY-incapable of rezoning a Deli & Grill for a skycraper. Its not even a bodega!!